Week 4 has been difficult for me to face. In fact, I read the material, thought about it a bit, and then walked away for a few weeks. Each time I'd think about the topic it made me feel icky inside and I'd put it off once again. I don't know about you all, but I've spent a lot of my life living in the theme of avoidance. Also known as denial.
I avoided things that scared me, things that might hurt me, feelings that were difficult to face, and any type of confrontation. I got very good at hiding things deep inside. My theory was that I was shoving things to a safe place and protecting myself. What I had not realized was that I was instead imprisoning myself.
I think in the last post I mentioned going to counseling. If not, I'll say it again: I've gone to counseling. The fact that I'm telling the internet this is a big deal. I felt ashamed for a while that I needed counseling, but after going through it I discovered it was the best possible thing I could have done. Because in those sessions, I stopped avoiding. I finally started to face the things I kept deep inside for so long, which meant I could finally start not only to heal, but to discover Truth. The thing about keeping things hidden is that it actually gives power to lies and false statements. It protects the faulty thinking, not me.
Here's what you should know about facing difficult things: it doesn't mean you forget. I'll never forget, but I can now see the situation clearly. I now live and embrace truth. I refuse to hide in lies. I know that this is kind of vague, but not everything belongs online. Maybe one day, but not today. Because living in truth doesn't mean you run around, opening your heart, and spilling your guts to anyone and everyone. There are people that will fully understand this post. People that I have entrusted with my full life story. One of those people is Stalena. And it is because I knew that I would be discussing The 7th Year with her that I knew I had to stop avoiding. Because she would ask the questions and help me to face it, even if I didn't want to do it on my own. I suppose that's the beauty of having partners walk The 7th Year journey with you: When it gets hard, you have tender hearts to walk alongside you so that you can keep moving forward.
When I had to answer "What did I think of myself" it was emotional for me because I spent years with lies running around my brain. (No, not in a schizophrenic way, but in that small voice we all have inside our heads.) Here's the thing: my story turns out quite victorious and I'm not even that far into my life. So even though there is sadness that came with looking back, there is an incredible feeling of joy, triumph, and love as I celebrate the last few years of my life.
The words I would use to describe how I think or view myself today:
treasured, seen, beloved, sister, survivor, brave, strong, work in progress
See what happens when you stop avoiding? You can see truth and goodness.
Dear friends and strangers, my heart hurts for those of you living in avoidance or with lies filling your head and hearts. I've been there. It sucks. I encourage you to seek out counseling. It's a big step, I understand. But you guys, the victory and beauty you'll live in as you weed out the junk is so worth it. I think counseling is one of the bravest things a person can do. If you need a cheerleader and handholder to push you towards that, let me know. I'll be your champion. I won't ask questions, I don't need to know any details, I'll just simply encourage you as you take that step with a counselor.
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